Wednesday, 18 August 2010

The Evolution of Dominance

I've written before about activity led versus control led sessioning. This blog overlaps somewhat. It more relates to personal relationships than Professional ones though that in itself may overlap too.

As I've said before, there are lots of activities I enjoy, some I absolutely love. When I first realised I had a Dominant streak BDSM was not even on my radar. I just knew that in relationships, I liked to be in control, I liked to be the one calling the shots. When I looked at the relationships I had and the men I was drawn to, I noticed I picked men who liked to be with someone like me. I did not have to wrestle with anyone for control, they happily gave up control, and for the most part it worked, and worked well.

I've been thinking recently about how I was in the old days when there was not any particular BDSM activity in my life, just the exchange of power and I wonder how I got to where I am now. Don't misunderstand, I enjoy a lot of activities, I just wonder how important it is to some people. Would they still love their Dominant/Mistress if she came from the vanilla world, had no concept of  'BDSM play' or activities, had no interest in them, but was a truly Dominant, loving, caring partner? And if the activities are very important, does that mean the Mistress as a person takes a back seat? Who is in control then? I'm not talking about fetishists here, as they clearly have a need for something to feel fulfilled, I am talking about people who identify as being submissive. If that is how they identify, surely they are submitting to the person, whether there is any play or activity involved or not.

When I go on holiday with my two houseslaves there is very little play involved. I might take some rope to tie them up of an evening, but mostly it's a time to be chilled out, chat, catch up, recharge and unwind. I don't feel under any pressure to play, and certainly would not if I did anyway. I 'know' with these two, without any doubt, that they submit to the person. Seeing me in muddy hiking boots with no make up and my hair scraped back is not a new fetish as far as I know!


  1. I think it's a matter of "levels". One can have a sub who is not interested in anything but the exchange of power, whereby he gives up basic control to his more dominant partner. He loves his Dom as a person, and doesn't need any "play" to feel fulfilled. However, once play is introduced, it goes to a different level, and if the sub enjoys the play, he doesn't love his Dom any less, and he may find out that his sexual desire for her actually increases. He still loves her as a person, but a new dimension has been added. As the level of play increases or intensifies, reactions must be gauged and adjustments made at each new level. Does the love of the basic person decrease? I think not, unless the new level has elements of discomfort that are affecting the basic relationship. So you adjust accordingly because the love of the basic person is paramount and should not be trifled with.

    I can't speak from the position of a professional, but since you're musing about personal relationships, I think the evolution of any D/s relationship is both desirable and unavoidable, and shouldn't make the sub love you any less as a person if the various levels that are reached avoid the discomfort zone. If a sub truly loves his Dom as a person and the play becomes an important part of the relationship, fine. If it doesn't, fine as well. In a real relationship, the love should remain intact either way, and is it really a problem if the sexual desire increases because of the play? Personally, I think that's just an added bonus.

    As to how you got from "there" to "here" - a professional Dominatrix - I certainly couldn't say, but I'd be surprised if a large part of it didn't have to do with your love of the "play". If not, I'd suppose that money was a factor, but judging from your writings, I think it's more than that. What do you think?

  2. Indeed, we all move forward and evolve with time, hopefully. As I evolved I introduced play scenarios to relationships as a means to deepen the submission, and for fun of course. The problem I've noticed with some is that the play becomes the focus of the relationship. That's when it's not working any more I guess. Thanks for your comments...:)